The Bardic Chef: Recipe – Vallaki Toad Fettuccine

This may be the most efficient party I’ve ever joined up with. How the half-orc Drak has yet to accumulate a throng of squealing, shrill women following him wherever he goes baffles me completely – between a handsome face and impressive fighting skills, that should have happened by now. The only one I worry for is Klavic, the much shorter fellow – he tries his hardest, bless him, but that doesn’t seem to be enough at times. His spirit is admirable, and he holds a very special place in my heart now from that alone. Perhaps I should try to teach him a craft, a skill? Maybe butchering is something he would be more successful at. The next time we reach town I should buy a new butchering knife for myself, and let him practice with it and see if he has any natural talent there.

[ This next six pages of the journal are various recipes where she’s attempted to use demon ichor as an ingredient or condiment. She’s angrily scribbled them all out, although all the words are still legible. Two pages are completely torn out. ]


  • 2 cups Toad Meat and Legs, chopped
  • ¼ cup Oil
  • 2 tsp Salt
  • 1 tsp Basil
  • 1 tsp Parsley
  • 2 cups Flour
  • 4 Eggs (Quail eggs used – half amount for chicken or duck eggs)
  • 1 ½ cups Tomatoes
  • 1 Onion
  • ¼ cup White Wine


Combine flour and salt in a bowl, add eggs into a deep well in the center, and whisk with fork to combine. Knead into dough. Slice the dough with a knife, if there are air bubbles continue to knead. Rest the dough for 30 minutes with a cloth over the top of the bowl. Sprinkle a flat surface with flour and flatten the dough into a disk with your hands. Use a rolling pin to make it as flat as possible. Cut into noodle-length sheets, around 12 inches long, then cut individual noodles. Toss in flour, and boil in salted water for 5 minutes.

[ Scribbled note: 5x recipe, can keep dried for weeks for future meals. ]

Coat toad meat with salt and pepper. Peel tomatoes, chop into quarters, add oil to a cooking pan along with herbs and chopped onion. Increase the flame and fry everything for three minutes, then add in onions. Reduce flame and simmer.

[ Scribbled note: Garlic would be fantastic – use if available. ]

In another cooking pan, add oil [butter if available – garlic if available]. Put over a medium flame. Coat toad meat in flour and add to the oil. Add in white wine. Cook four minutes on each side. Add in the tomato mixture once throughly cooked and reduce the flame. Cook for ten minutes, serve over pasta. Best with day-old bread.